The same Saturday I bought the veggies and herb plants, I noticed these old, orchard crates for sale on the local online yard sale. I wanted to put the veggies in the ground and put the herbs in some kind of a raised garden. When I saw the crates, I got pretty excited about the possibility of using them for the herbs. So...I bought 9 of them. I didn't buy them that Saturday, I bought them the day after we bought our second car. So I was still in pain.
I went straight from buying these crates to meeting up with a TN friend from our small, local support group. The purpose of this get together was to meet another TN sufferer, so there were 3 of us total. All of us, sitting at the park, on a windy day. Yikes! Talking (a trigger) while sitting in the breeze (also a trigger). I don't think I will be doing that again anytime soon.
Later that evening I found the leftover primer and claimed a small area in the garage for myself so I could prime and paint the boxes. It was a bit cramped, but it was much better than working out in the wind. Priming these boxes took way longer than it should have. I couldn't concentrate on what I was doing. Dip, brush, brush. Dip, brush, brush. That's all I had to do, on repeat, but when the pain DOES. NOT. SHUT. UP, and there isn't an option for relief, it makes it difficult to concentrate on simple tasks. I kept having to stop. And breathe. And think. I had to keep reminding myself what I was doing. I think it's safe to say I often found myself in a mild state of confusion. I was pretty frustrated by this process and....really, I probably should have stopped and come back to it when I was mentally ready. BUT, by having the plants already purchased, I felt obligated to finish.
The first day of priming, I faced outside of my garage. I hoped looking out might benefit my mood. I'm not sure it made any bit of difference. The second day of priming I faced inside of my garage, with my back to everyone, so no one could see how much I was crying. I hate crying when I'm in pain, because crying triggers the pain to be worse, but I get to the point with each and every flare up that I simply can't hold back the tears. It's too much.
All I wanted in that moment was to take a nap in the Spirit World. I'm not a suicidal person, but I wanted to be done here. I don't know if I've had a single flare up where I made it through, from beginning to end, without wanting to die already. Sometimes begging and pleading for Heavenly Father to "Please don't make me stay here!"
I've debated on whether or not this is appropriate to make public, and/or to say it like this, but it's the truth of my world, so I'm going to say it. The handsome fellow sitting down the chair is my grandpa. He's 87 years old. All of these beautiful women in the picture are 6 of his sisters. One brother, not pictured, was too sick to travel, and one sister, not pictured, has passed away. 8 out of 9 siblings are still alive. Their parents lived to be 97 (my great-grandpa), and 94 (great-grandma).
Since the TN started, I have begged Heavenly Father many times, "Please don't let me live that long!" I can't tell you how many REAL LIFE panic attacks have been triggered just by THINKING about living a long life. I love my grandpa and my great-aunts. I am happy for the time they've had here and for the amazing examples they are. They are great people :).
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There wasn't any blood, but after much sweat and tears, the boxes were finally primed! Sheesh, it took long enough.
Day 1 of painting the boxes. I was all cried out and ready to face outside again. I was pretty exhausted. The more days into the pain cycle I get, the more exhausted I am.
Painting the boxes was pretty much the same story as priming. I had to take a lot of breaks and remind myself what I was doing.
This picture is titled, "PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME STAY HERE!"
What was I thinking? Oh ya, I committed myself to a time-sensitive project at a time I wasn't expecting to be in pain.
The pain was gone by the second day of painting. It. was. awesome! I got through the rest of the painting like a champ. I was still babying myself all day trying not to re-trigger the pain, which I have done plenty of times in the past.
I chose a fun red color. I have narcolepsy. When colors stick out a little, it provides enough stimulation to keep me interested and alert. Now was the test to see if they would actually work as grow boxes. I didn't know if the wood was protected enough with the primer and paint. I didn't know if adding soil would stress the fragile parts of the wood out. I've never seen or done this before. I had no idea what to expect.
I lined each box with weed fabric in hopes to protect the wood even further as well as to prevent the paint toxins from getting into the soil. I put small rocks and twigs in the bottom...
Then put the soil in and planted the plants.
I ended up buying flowers to help fill in the extra boxes.
We'll see how it goes. The end part of this crate box/grow box project was much more pleasant than the first part! I'm so happy this part is finished. I'm sad there isn't really a good place for them right now. I'm working on it.
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