Serving its Purpose

I'm writing all of my posts weeks or days after the work, so I want to just declare that my first day with this project was May 27, and it was June 25 when I realized this project is serving its purpose!  To help me deal with the anxiety, that consumes my world, even when I'm NOT having a flare-up.

On June 18, I went to St. George to help my mom who had just had major surgery on her spine.  I wasn't sure if I would go down to help because "what if the pain hits"?  I would be of NO use to anyone if my pain hit while I was there.  I originally planned to send my girls to help out in my place.  When it got closer to the surgery, I decided to go.  This was my mom having major surgery.  I can push through the pain for this.  I might not be able to give 100%, but I can give.

I went and didn't end up having any level 10 pain.  Which was beautiful.  I was grateful for the opportunity to help my mom until I couldn't help anymore.  I am still limited in life with narcolepsy.  My 100% is completely different, and most of the time less than the average human :).  I kept as busy as my body would let me, so there wasn't really much time to worry about the pain coming.

I came home on June 23, rested for a day, and then BAM!  On June 25, all of that horrid, life-consuming, anxiety-about-the-pain, tried to suffocate me.  I hated it!  I wasn't in pain, but I was afraid of it.  

I was immediately drawn to my project.  I went outside and fiddled around, starting here, moving there, changing direction again....I couldn't quite figure out what I wanted to work on, until I looked at this corner where I ditched the old grass cuttings.

I found a flat rock to sit on and a bulky, sharp rock to pound and/or rub the grass clippings to separate the dirt from the grass.  The work was very tedious, but perfect for the moment.  All of the anxiety about when the pain might hit me again, left.  I calmed right down.  Beautiful.

When the mound of dirt would pile high enough to nearly cover the rock, I moved the rock to a clear space and started over.

The two days I worked on this might have been two of the windiest days of the year.  It seems like it would be a really bad idea to separate dry dirt from grass on a windy day when I'm sitting level with it.  After the first day I kept thinking my glasses were dirty, so I'd go to clean them, only to re-discover that they were clean and it was my eyes that were dirty.

It was a bad idea, considering I was repeatedly creating an atmosphere where the wind would cover me in dust, and choke me a few times, but it seemed to be the only thing I could do to take my mind off the anxiety that was threatening me.

I couldn't feel lonely with this little fellow lying on the ground next to where I was sitting.  If I were weird enough to name a snake molt, I would have named this one Wilson, but I'm not that weird, so he remained nameless.  Good companion though.  Just sat there, looking like he was ready to say something, but never did.  He let me do all the talking.

I didn't really do any talking :).  As afraid as I am of venomous critters attacking my trigeminal nerve, I wasn't afraid that this snake skin was in the area I was working.  I knew it wasn't a rattlesnake, AND the kids had just barely seen the owner of this skin slither off into the neighbors yard. 

Eventually, the majority of the dirt was separated from the grass.  By doing it this way, I only had to use 2 lawn bags instead of....I don't know how many.  Plus, I got a nice pile of dirt that was darker than the clay that won't let anything grow out here.

Oh look, my nephews are back for another visit!  I paid these kids in root beer floats to shovel the good dirt into the future garden area and to level this area.  Is this cheating?  I am content with this project, really, but sometimes I just want a little help :).

And.....we're to another end that really isn't an end.  I need to figure out a solid plan for this area.  It can't stay like this. 

But what's more important than knowing exactly how all this will turn out, is knowing that this project is serving the purpose.  I can feel myself coming back to life a tiny bit at a time.  I can see that this work is changing my focus.  All I need is to have faith in the Atonement of Jesus Christ, to help me change my brain patterns, and I will be free! I pray I will stay on track and carry this out to the end.

Squirrel! ....and....Snakes?

This day was a complete "squirrel" from the original project....or maybe it was just another extension.  I don't know.  All I know is that spending so much time outside made it impossible to ignore this jungle any longer.  Underneath this neglected corner of the yard is a rock wall. 

With the back half of our goldendoodle in the picture, it should give you a pretty good idea how high these grasses and weeds reached.

The day before I tackled this area, my friend came over, at my request, to answer some yardening questions and give some pointers.  As we stood close to this jungle, we both heard something defnintely bigger than a cricket make some noise in there.  We took a few steps back......

because this is our other backyard....

And neighbors are always posting pics of funky critters they find in their yards, like this baby rattlesnake....*shudders*

I got my little gardening shears, put on my gloves and protective clothing, and said a prayer before I started cutting away at the grasses and weeds.  I continued to pray throughout the entire process!  "Please don't let anything with venom bite me!  Please don't let anything with venom bite me!."  Over and over.  My heart was racing.  I was sweating more than I normally would have.  I was a terrified person through this process.  I didn't want to find out how venom might affect the trigeminal nerve.  I don't think I want to repeat this one again. 

 

It was nice to see the progress though...

And it really didn't take as long as I thought it would.  So that was nice!  I never did see any critters besides spiders and potato bugs :)

The rock wall doesn't get to stay.  So many of the rocks are shattering.  There are pieces of rock all over the lawn, darn it.

I just need to decide what to do with the good rocks and the shattered rocks.  Another project in the works.

My only other TN/GPN complaint, besides the thought of a rattler attacking my central nervous system, was triggering the annoying sensation of the little creature that sews all of my bottom, right teeth together with his really sharp needle.  

The way I had to bend was a bit awkward and I couldn't figure out another way to do it.  It was only a level 3 pain, which I try not to complain about, because it's much more tolerable than the level 10 pain that comes with a flare-up, but it was really annoying and lasted for about a week, so I'm going to complain about it :).

Faith. Fear.

This doesn't really have anything to do with my Pain Project, but it does have everything to do with TN/GPN.

My appointment reminder to see the neurosurgeon at the University of Utah came in the mail a few days ago.  When I saw it, I panicked a little.  A whole lot of "what if's" came to my mind.

"What if he tells me he can't help me?"
"What if he tries to help me, but realizes too late that he can't?"
"What if I have surgery and I end up worse?"
"I don't think I can hear the words, 'There's nothing I can do."

It wasn't very long until I was not in a good place in my head.  I trapped myself in fear-based thinking, to the point I was ready to cancel my appointment.  Luckily, logic stuck with me enough to stop me.  Why would I cancel an appointment that I have waited so long for???  Makes no sense.  I kept it.

I was a bit frustrated with the doubt going through my head.  I have gotten to the point that I believe I can be healed in this life.  Why would seeing an appointment reminder trigger fear??  Why do I feel like I'm going backwards? NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!Make it stop!  Why did I have this shift in belief?

I read some words the other day from a mother who is waiting for her son to wake up from a coma.  She said, "Either God will heal my son, or He won't."  I can't even begin to imagine what kind of heart ache this experience is.

As I have worked on my pain project, those words have repeated in my head.  It seems those words were meant to enter my mind at just the right time.

Either God will use the hands of this neurosurgeon to heal me, or he won't.  Whether or not God heals me, the most important thing is, I actually do have the faith that it is possible to be healed.  Yes, I had this moment of doubt and fear creep in.  I know satan's goal is to stop my progression through fear.  But I've already gotten to that point, and it wasn't hard to come back to.  I know that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ I CAN be healed in this life.  Will it be through the hands of Dr. House?  Will it be 20 years down the road?  I don't know.  The important thing is that I have come a long way, and have let go of so much fear, to the point I do believe it's possible.  HUGE.

Thank you, Kami, for your faith and testimony!  Those words truly came at the right time for me to get my faith back on track to where it had already been once before.  We are still praying for your son and your family.