Serving its Purpose

I'm writing all of my posts weeks or days after the work, so I want to just declare that my first day with this project was May 27, and it was June 25 when I realized this project is serving its purpose!  To help me deal with the anxiety, that consumes my world, even when I'm NOT having a flare-up.

On June 18, I went to St. George to help my mom who had just had major surgery on her spine.  I wasn't sure if I would go down to help because "what if the pain hits"?  I would be of NO use to anyone if my pain hit while I was there.  I originally planned to send my girls to help out in my place.  When it got closer to the surgery, I decided to go.  This was my mom having major surgery.  I can push through the pain for this.  I might not be able to give 100%, but I can give.

I went and didn't end up having any level 10 pain.  Which was beautiful.  I was grateful for the opportunity to help my mom until I couldn't help anymore.  I am still limited in life with narcolepsy.  My 100% is completely different, and most of the time less than the average human :).  I kept as busy as my body would let me, so there wasn't really much time to worry about the pain coming.

I came home on June 23, rested for a day, and then BAM!  On June 25, all of that horrid, life-consuming, anxiety-about-the-pain, tried to suffocate me.  I hated it!  I wasn't in pain, but I was afraid of it.  

I was immediately drawn to my project.  I went outside and fiddled around, starting here, moving there, changing direction again....I couldn't quite figure out what I wanted to work on, until I looked at this corner where I ditched the old grass cuttings.

I found a flat rock to sit on and a bulky, sharp rock to pound and/or rub the grass clippings to separate the dirt from the grass.  The work was very tedious, but perfect for the moment.  All of the anxiety about when the pain might hit me again, left.  I calmed right down.  Beautiful.

When the mound of dirt would pile high enough to nearly cover the rock, I moved the rock to a clear space and started over.

The two days I worked on this might have been two of the windiest days of the year.  It seems like it would be a really bad idea to separate dry dirt from grass on a windy day when I'm sitting level with it.  After the first day I kept thinking my glasses were dirty, so I'd go to clean them, only to re-discover that they were clean and it was my eyes that were dirty.

It was a bad idea, considering I was repeatedly creating an atmosphere where the wind would cover me in dust, and choke me a few times, but it seemed to be the only thing I could do to take my mind off the anxiety that was threatening me.

I couldn't feel lonely with this little fellow lying on the ground next to where I was sitting.  If I were weird enough to name a snake molt, I would have named this one Wilson, but I'm not that weird, so he remained nameless.  Good companion though.  Just sat there, looking like he was ready to say something, but never did.  He let me do all the talking.

I didn't really do any talking :).  As afraid as I am of venomous critters attacking my trigeminal nerve, I wasn't afraid that this snake skin was in the area I was working.  I knew it wasn't a rattlesnake, AND the kids had just barely seen the owner of this skin slither off into the neighbors yard. 

Eventually, the majority of the dirt was separated from the grass.  By doing it this way, I only had to use 2 lawn bags instead of....I don't know how many.  Plus, I got a nice pile of dirt that was darker than the clay that won't let anything grow out here.

Oh look, my nephews are back for another visit!  I paid these kids in root beer floats to shovel the good dirt into the future garden area and to level this area.  Is this cheating?  I am content with this project, really, but sometimes I just want a little help :).

And.....we're to another end that really isn't an end.  I need to figure out a solid plan for this area.  It can't stay like this. 

But what's more important than knowing exactly how all this will turn out, is knowing that this project is serving the purpose.  I can feel myself coming back to life a tiny bit at a time.  I can see that this work is changing my focus.  All I need is to have faith in the Atonement of Jesus Christ, to help me change my brain patterns, and I will be free! I pray I will stay on track and carry this out to the end.