Faith. Fear.

This doesn't really have anything to do with my Pain Project, but it does have everything to do with TN/GPN.

My appointment reminder to see the neurosurgeon at the University of Utah came in the mail a few days ago.  When I saw it, I panicked a little.  A whole lot of "what if's" came to my mind.

"What if he tells me he can't help me?"
"What if he tries to help me, but realizes too late that he can't?"
"What if I have surgery and I end up worse?"
"I don't think I can hear the words, 'There's nothing I can do."

It wasn't very long until I was not in a good place in my head.  I trapped myself in fear-based thinking, to the point I was ready to cancel my appointment.  Luckily, logic stuck with me enough to stop me.  Why would I cancel an appointment that I have waited so long for???  Makes no sense.  I kept it.

I was a bit frustrated with the doubt going through my head.  I have gotten to the point that I believe I can be healed in this life.  Why would seeing an appointment reminder trigger fear??  Why do I feel like I'm going backwards? NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!Make it stop!  Why did I have this shift in belief?

I read some words the other day from a mother who is waiting for her son to wake up from a coma.  She said, "Either God will heal my son, or He won't."  I can't even begin to imagine what kind of heart ache this experience is.

As I have worked on my pain project, those words have repeated in my head.  It seems those words were meant to enter my mind at just the right time.

Either God will use the hands of this neurosurgeon to heal me, or he won't.  Whether or not God heals me, the most important thing is, I actually do have the faith that it is possible to be healed.  Yes, I had this moment of doubt and fear creep in.  I know satan's goal is to stop my progression through fear.  But I've already gotten to that point, and it wasn't hard to come back to.  I know that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ I CAN be healed in this life.  Will it be through the hands of Dr. House?  Will it be 20 years down the road?  I don't know.  The important thing is that I have come a long way, and have let go of so much fear, to the point I do believe it's possible.  HUGE.

Thank you, Kami, for your faith and testimony!  Those words truly came at the right time for me to get my faith back on track to where it had already been once before.  We are still praying for your son and your family.