Introduction

Welcome to my Pain Project!  After living with Trigeminal Neuralgia and Glossopharyngeal Neuralgia for 3 1/2 years, I have come to realize, that even when I'm not in an excruciating flare-up, I am plagued with anxiety about the next time the pain hits.

I don't like this.  I want to change this.  I can allow myself to fall completely apart during a flare-up of pain, but I don't like how I've given myself to so much anxiety and fear when I'm not in pain. I started therapy about 2 months ago to see if I could learn to manage my anxiety better and LIVE during the moments I'm not in pain, instead of being in a constant state of worry about when it will hit. 

My therapist asked me, "What do you like to do?"

I thought about it for a bit and replied, "I don't even know anymore.  I don't DO anything.  I don't commit to anything."

She asked if there was anything I used to like to do.

"Gardening!" was my fast answer.  I used to get lost in gardening.....but to the point it was easy for me to forget that I had responsibilities, like feeding my young family :).  No worries.  No one went to bed hungry.  There was always Taco Bell and Wendy's.  They only went to bed starved of proper nutrition.

When I answered with "gardening", my therapists face lit up!  She got out her pen, paper, and notebook to write some notes, and in her fabulous Australian accent told me to plant a garden when I feel good.

I told her I can't plant a garden.  It will die.  Even if I successfully plant a garden when I'm not in pain, the pain WILL slam me, as it always does, and my garden will die.  I tried to plant a small garden last year, but I think only two tomato plants gave us anything.  My heart was NOT with the garden.  My heart was involved in surviving.

This is why I don't like to start projects.  Any projects.  I like to finish, and when I get stopped by the pain, I lose my momentum, and it's too frustrating to "fail" repeatedly.

My therapist listened to all of my excuses and said, "It's ok!  Plant your garden.  It won't die.  Teach your children how to take care of it when you can't."

I kept trying to get out of it, but she was SO excited that her excitement eventually burned its way into my being.  I left her office completely motivated!  The memory of how alive I felt when I used to exhaust myself by playing in the dirt and creating gardens helped keep my motivation alive.

The next day I bought my plants, as it was too late to start from seed.  My kind and awesome neighbor had already tilled manure into my garden several weeks before. It was just sitting there, waiting for me to care, which I hadn't.

Now I have a tilled garden, and plants to put in it.  I'm feeling more motivated to make it work this time, because I know I need to change this anxiety rut I'm stuck in.  I hate feeling like I'm not progressing, or moving forward, and that's exactly what's been happening.....for way too long!

So! Here I go.  I'm excited for this project and to see what negative patterns I can break :).