Earth

Before I start to journal how this project is going, I want to explain why I chose the picture of the earth to be my background.

Right from the start of therapy I have been practicing deep relaxation and self hypnosis.  Medications don't work for me AND I get really bad side effects.  I have not found a single medication that remotely even touches the pain.  I do take Nucynta (prescribed) at night, during a flare-up, not because it touches the pain, but it helps knock me out.  The side-effects to this medication are tolerated better than anything else I've tried, however I'd like to one day rid myself the need to take it.

The way my pain works is, it gets triggered, by one of MANY triggers, and then it stays solid anywhere from 4-11 days.  It stays constant all through the day and all through the night until it's finished.  I know what triggers it to start, but I don't know why it just stops the way it does.  I am glad it eventually stops.  Knowing that is the only thing that keeps me going sometimes.

My therapist believes deep relaxation/self hypnosis is going to be my best option since I can't medicate during the day.  It's not meant to cure my pain.  It's just a means of helping me to relax as best as I can while I'm in pain.  So far, the meditation is awesome when I'm not in a flare-up.  I severely struggle to focus on what the guide is saying when I'm in pain...and...I pretty much miss most of the words he says. This ultrasound picture of the alien baby that has been trying to birth itself through my face for the last 3 1/2 years might help you understand why it's so difficult to relax during a flare-up.

Here is an add for the meditation app I use on my phone.  I just listen.  There are no pictures on the app I chose.: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJq11Fos4EQ&list=TLZYaXdtiduRITwjpVkTvIPuhNRfUO4d4o

I love it...infinity.  I always look forward to meditation time during the day. 

It  takes me away!  Further away than Calgon, unless I'm hurting. :/

At one point during the meditation, the guide suggests finding myself in a "place that reminds you of the earth."  I can't do it.  I can't put myself on a sandy beach, or a peaceful mountain by a stream.  I can't put myself in a hammock, or in a meadow.  When I'm into my meditation I want to be as far away from the earth as I can be. 

Being attached to the earth means being attached to my body, which means pain. I choose to imagine myself floating in space, in the Spirit World, or in the life after this one where we don't feel pain anymore.

I recognize I have a hard time seeing past pain and suffering.  I'm trying to change that with this project.  I KNOW there is more to this life than just pain and suffering....and I want to get to that place.

Introduction

Welcome to my Pain Project!  After living with Trigeminal Neuralgia and Glossopharyngeal Neuralgia for 3 1/2 years, I have come to realize, that even when I'm not in an excruciating flare-up, I am plagued with anxiety about the next time the pain hits.

I don't like this.  I want to change this.  I can allow myself to fall completely apart during a flare-up of pain, but I don't like how I've given myself to so much anxiety and fear when I'm not in pain. I started therapy about 2 months ago to see if I could learn to manage my anxiety better and LIVE during the moments I'm not in pain, instead of being in a constant state of worry about when it will hit. 

My therapist asked me, "What do you like to do?"

I thought about it for a bit and replied, "I don't even know anymore.  I don't DO anything.  I don't commit to anything."

She asked if there was anything I used to like to do.

"Gardening!" was my fast answer.  I used to get lost in gardening.....but to the point it was easy for me to forget that I had responsibilities, like feeding my young family :).  No worries.  No one went to bed hungry.  There was always Taco Bell and Wendy's.  They only went to bed starved of proper nutrition.

When I answered with "gardening", my therapists face lit up!  She got out her pen, paper, and notebook to write some notes, and in her fabulous Australian accent told me to plant a garden when I feel good.

I told her I can't plant a garden.  It will die.  Even if I successfully plant a garden when I'm not in pain, the pain WILL slam me, as it always does, and my garden will die.  I tried to plant a small garden last year, but I think only two tomato plants gave us anything.  My heart was NOT with the garden.  My heart was involved in surviving.

This is why I don't like to start projects.  Any projects.  I like to finish, and when I get stopped by the pain, I lose my momentum, and it's too frustrating to "fail" repeatedly.

My therapist listened to all of my excuses and said, "It's ok!  Plant your garden.  It won't die.  Teach your children how to take care of it when you can't."

I kept trying to get out of it, but she was SO excited that her excitement eventually burned its way into my being.  I left her office completely motivated!  The memory of how alive I felt when I used to exhaust myself by playing in the dirt and creating gardens helped keep my motivation alive.

The next day I bought my plants, as it was too late to start from seed.  My kind and awesome neighbor had already tilled manure into my garden several weeks before. It was just sitting there, waiting for me to care, which I hadn't.

Now I have a tilled garden, and plants to put in it.  I'm feeling more motivated to make it work this time, because I know I need to change this anxiety rut I'm stuck in.  I hate feeling like I'm not progressing, or moving forward, and that's exactly what's been happening.....for way too long!

So! Here I go.  I'm excited for this project and to see what negative patterns I can break :).